Men Will Avoid Sex Because of Performance Anxiety
Male sexual avoidance is often the product of performance anxiety. For a man, to see sex as good, two things need to happen:
1. They must preform like a porn star and their partner needs to orgasm.
2. They must see sex as good only if their partner enjoyed it and achieve an orgasm.
The current standard for a man to be a great lover is the porn industry and Hollywood, but the truth is:
- Porn is not how everyday people have sex.
- The lack of knowledge on how to actually have sex has created unreasonable burdens and expectations a man can never live up to unless your name is Ron Jeremy.
- This leaves men overwhelmed and detached from their own pleasure and sexual experience.
For a man, their partner reaching an orgasm is the validation that they are not only a great lover but a worthy man capable of being loved.
Pleasure is the motivation for sex. If the pleasure becomes stripped away because of a sense obligation to your partner’s pleasure, than sex becomes a stressful act.
Men who are ravaged by performance anxiety enjoy sex but the enjoyment becomes stunted and the full breath of the pleasures of sex is missed.
Performance Anxiety can lead to Spectatoring
The reaction to any form of stress is to disassociate from the current moment. An interesting phenomenon takes over called “spectatoring,” a term coined by Bill Masters and Virginia Johnson.
Spectatoring is when:
- A person involved in a sexual act focuses their attention on themselves in a third person perspective.
- Being your play by play and color commentator during sex.
- The affect of this is a dissociation from the sexual act and their partner.
- This is due to the fact your mind is not in your body at the time both need to be the most connected for thing to work right.
The Second Trap Men Fall into is the Need to Cum
- Male orgasm is considered guaranteed and biologically required part of a sexual act.
- Sex for most men is not about the experience but about the finish.
- A man, once sexually engaged thinks only about the orgasm it’s self.
- The need to orgasm and ejaculate becomes the only objective along with impressing their partners with their sexual skills.
The problem here is that men must orgasm and ejaculate or fail. What’s worse is the disappointment in their partner’s eyes creates “or else” situation meaning cum or humiliation. Its like having sex with a gun to your head. Now that is pressure in a situation that should be a time of play and pleasure.
Pressure like that hinders the true essence of sex fun, relaxation, stress relief, and most of all pleasure and turns it to a scary and shameful act. This also creates performance anxiety.
Performance anxiety in men often begins with:
- Poor sexual education
- Masturbation practices
- Societal oppression of sexual pleasure
Since men need to figure out sexual mechanics on their own because men are taught basics about sex and dangers of sex, they are never taught how to have sex. Men learn the mechanics of sex through peers and porn who depict the standard that I am arguing hinders male sexuality.
In porn, men see a buff guy with a long sword as a penis lasting 15-20 minutes of jack hammer like thrusting to an eventual ejaculation. That disconnected empty sexuality depicted in porn is not real sex but is as real as any piece of fiction around.
Men see porn stars as models on how to preform sexually. Unfortunately, that kind of sex is empty and unsatisfying and riddled with places for a man to feel inadequate. The fact is that is not how real people should be having sex.
Inadequacy is Another Way of Saying Inferiority
A disciple of Freud, Alfred Adler, argues that the chief conflict a person faces is conflict of inferiority and superiority. A man who feels inadequate will do whatever to feel adequate in bed, even sacrifice their own experience for the validation of adequacy. The validation that one is ok far outweighs the importance of sexual pleasure.
Adler also argues that this occurs based on perceived weakness. An example is a man suffering from ED who looks at his penis as broken or malfunctioning in some way or, in other words an inferior penis. As a result, he will do what he can to hide by over compensating for that inferiority. Often sexual avoidance is their answer. A man can’t feel inferior if he avoids that situation all together.
The Solution is Simple to Explain but Difficult to Practice
Focusing on pleasure rather than results is the key. Pleasure focused sex is all about each’s own pleasure rather than just your partner’s pleasure, even if you are giving pleasure.
The odd thing is by focusing on your own pleasure it can feel better for your partner. A win-win situation because you will have more enjoyment and your partner will as well. The reason this works is presence if you are locked in to the moment and pleasure that focus and presences will be felt by their partner.
Don’t Believe Me?
Try my sensate hand exercise with your partner but do it twice.
- First, only focus on your partner’s pleasure or any other distraction.
- Second, do it again. This time only focus on your own pleasures of touching your partner’s hand. After, see which one felt better.
Focus on Pleasure not Performance
As it turns out performance anxiety is major reason men cannot perform. Its like seeing a deer in headlights paralyzed by fear. It is best not to worry about performance rather focus on pleasure. By focusing on your own pleasure you can discover how to control ejaculation, get harder lasting erections, and have worry free sex.
As far your partners pleasure, their orgasm is their responsibility not yours. If your partner wants to orgasm it’s on them to achieve orgasm not you. Oddly, taking the pressure of having an orgasm off the table increases the likelihood hood of both of you achieving an orgasm. Lastly, the pleasure that you are feeling this second far outweighs the 10 second orgasm you are anxiously waiting for at the end of the encounter.
As the Chief Therapist of the Center for Holistic Mental Health and Sexual Therapy, LLC, I help individuals and couples incorporate the many mental, environmental, spiritual, emotional, and psychical dimensions that enable a person to be whole and emotionally adapted. If I can help you, please contact me.